History According to Trump

The Schloss-Blog, as the public service to which it is devoted, presents this updated version of American history, according to '45' himself, Donald Trump. As such, we have obtained this original copy of the speech he was to deliver at his "non-political" event on July 4.

"My fellow Ukrainians, it is with great honor and pleasure that I welcome all 500 or so of you to this celebration of American hysteria, the biggest in our glorious history.

In the great War of 1812, in which our valiant troops were inspired by the Star Spangled Banner, so beautifully crafted by Abraham Lincoln, the United States formed a more perfect union by defeating the evil Columbia drug lords looking to pass through Mexico and bring their violence and illicit temptations with them, the beginnings of MS-13. They remain parked outside your doors in Detroit, Seattle, Louisville and Charlottesville, where they are among the many fine people on both sides.

But we stood firm, and many of them are still imprisoned in the concentration camps we have built along the Mexican border, camps I like to call the Rio Grande Hiltons.

And so, time passed to the Mexican War, some 35 years later to 1847, in which, supported by our great Sherman Tanks, our soldiers valiantly beat back the invaders from Central America, even those seeking asylum, and we won Mexico as the U.S. colony it remains today.

This has enabled us to collect billions of dollars from them in tariffs we never invoked against them. Mexico still gripes about it, but these dollars will enable us to build what I like to call the Great Wall of Mexico, in honor of them paying for it.

You see, I do keep my promises. We have worsening air quality and extreme climatological conditions because of the promise I made to get us out of the Paris Accords. And I expect Iran to join North Korea shortly in shooting off nuclear and ballistic missiles in celebration of our nation's birthday.

But that is a great part of our future history to come. Historians will look back on this era as greater than that of any other president, including William Jennings Bryan, who, as Joe Biden's personal role model, is a three-time loser.

Let these two tanks flanking the Washington Monument serve as reminders of Bryan's three failed third-party runs at the White House.

And you wonder why I shine next to so many other presidents? Did they have foreign golf properties? Did they have resorts where guests paid exorbitant rates to overpay to join?

This is the new American beginning, and if not for our victory in the Civil War, which not only maintained Mexico's colonial status but enabled Canada to become our colony to the north. all would've been lost. The French would've occupied Venezuela, in violation of the Monroe Doctorate, which he worked hard to earn at a good school, like the ones I attended and where I learned I had bone spurs in my heels that would not allow me to do anymore beyond playing golf at the courses of my choice with beautiful models for caddies and cart drivers rather than go fight in a war in some shithole country in which I would eventually kowtow to a little fat rocket boy in a summit that was a waste of his time.

The French blew it though. If they had occupied Brazil instead, they would've had Pele, who hit more home runs than Sadaharu Oh.

Meanwhile, look at this beautiful Americana around us (some word, Americana, huh?). As history has shown us, those with might win the fight, as we have against Russian invasions of our elections and Chinese theft of our technology. These insufferable acts will only continue as long as I am your president, so don't forget to get out there, look for your local polling place, which will be marked by a Sherman Tank no longer in use, and get in there and vote.

History is history, and I intend to keep it that way, even if I do use American war materials and generals as props in my campaign appearances, isn't that right General Dunsford? You look a little tight, Joe, my chairman of the joints chiefs of staff,  like you're standing over a prospective, tournament-winning putt. Chill, buddy, chill. It's not like you have to give a speech at a politcal rally. Just stand there.

And Ivanka, I'm so proud of you for the way you dominated that conversation with international leaders at the G-20.

Anyway as we close the day, our 173rd birthday as an independent nation, let us remember all the brave soldiers guarding the safety and solitude of 2-8-year olds, unsupervised for months at our Rio Grande Hiltons. And, as they consume water out of toilets, eat your heart out, Mexico.

Good night, America, and remember, only I could get us here and only I could take us further."